


I'll Find The Words To Say

by ohmyallstars



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2012-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-22 20:51:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmyallstars/pseuds/ohmyallstars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Behind the front door of Harry’s apartment hides something that is haunting him; something he can’t escape from. He stumbles across a welcome distraction in the form of Louis, a young bartender. Could something that promises to be a strong friendship become something more?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

The first time that Harry laid eyes on Louis, it was just passed three o’clock in the morning. The bar was only a block from Harry’s tiny apartment, and he’d made it all the way to the front door before turning away with the decision that walking the streets was a better idea than facing what was inside. It was closing time at the bar, so people were pouring themselves into the streets but he ducked inside anyway, desperate for a distraction, even if only for a second.  
‘I’m closing up mate,’ someone called from behind the bar. Harry glanced over to see a man not much older than he was wiping glasses with a rag. He was slim, with brownish hair and glasses, and when he saw Harry watching he smiled.  
‘Can’t I have one drink? Please?’ He begged, moving towards the bar.  
‘Alright,’ He agreed, ‘You can have one drink, but then you have to clear out.’  
Smiling gratefully, Harry took a seat at the end of the bar and mumbled that he wanted a bourbon and coke. The other man set about preparing the drink and he watched absentmindedly.  
‘Did you have a fight with your boyfriend?’ He asked, placing the drink on the bar and picking up his rag to continue wiping.  
‘What makes you think that? Harry asked slowly.  
‘You’ve got the same expression as half the other guys who come in here every night.’ He explained. ‘You look like something’s broken you.’  
‘Oh. I actually meant why you would think I have a boyfriend…’ He said, not responding to his observations.  
‘Well, this is a gay bar for starters. We don’t get many straight boys in here.’ He stated with a smile. Harry glanced around and spotted the things he hadn’t before – photos of mean kissing on the pin boards, the lounge on the left that was decorated with purple walls and red leather couches. It wasn’t what he expected from a gay bar, but it had its touches.  
‘Oh. Well you should have a sign or something, to let people know that.’ Harry suggested.  
‘There’s one to the left of the entrance. Right where you walked in.’ the young bartender laughed. He walked to the other end of the bar and moved some things around before coming back. ‘So did you?’  
‘Did I what?’ Harry asked, the man’s voice snapping him out of his thoughts.  
‘Did you have a fight with your boyfriend?’ He repeated.  
‘No. I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m alone.’ Harry said with a frown, his mind wandering back to what was waiting in his apartment. Silence filled the bar again, broken occasionally by the chink of clean glasses. After a few minutes Harry downed the last of his drink and sighed. He had no excuse to stay. He had to go back there. He took his wallet out to pay, but the other man waved him away.  
‘Don’t worry about it; you look like you needed it.’ He said with a grim and knowing smile.  
‘I did, thank you.’ He agreed with a grim smile. ‘I’m Harry by the way.’  
‘Louis.’ He returned with a nod, before disappearing into the back.  
‘It was nice to meet you Lou.’ Harry said to the empty bar before walking out onto the cold street.


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the front door of Harry’s apartment hides something that is haunting him; something he can’t escape from. He stumbles across a welcome distraction in the form of Louis, a young bartender. Could something that promises to be a strong friendship become something more?

The following night Harry was feeling worse than ever. When he’d finished class he hadn’t even consider going home; he just wandered the streets until he found himself outside the bar from the night before. Harry watched as loud and happy drunks poured themselves into the waiting taxis, and into the surrounding streets. It was late and even though Harry knew the bar was closing again he slipped inside and took a seat in one of the darkened booths.  
A stereo was playing quietly in a corner and as a song that Harry recognised came on he smiled to himself and closed his eyes. Memories connected to the song swam through his mind as he remembered a happier time. When had he started feeling so old?  
A new voice washed over him, and he drew in a sharp breath. The voice mesmerised Harry and he was drawn in by its sweetness; its innocence. He felt the sadness that had settled over him in the past few months lift a little as the song went on and he sat up slightly, trying to spot the source.  
It was Louis.  
The young man from the night before was standing behind the bar, wiping over its surface with a rag and singing. Harry smiled to himself but then, just as suddenly, he scowled and slumped back down; once again losing himself in his thoughts.  
What was someone with a voice like that doing working in a bar? Shouldn’t he be recording his first album somewhere? Touring the world?  
The song ended and the sadness settled over him once more. He found himself yearning for the next song, hoping for Louis to sing again but it had been the last track and silence fell in the bar. He’d never heard someone sing like that. It was perfect. It was-  
‘Harry?’ A surprised voice said. Harry turned to see Louis peering around the edge of the booth and he smiled sheepishly. ‘Umm, what are you doing here?’  
‘I – I don’t know.’ He blurted quickly. He knew he should have just gone home but he was a coward.  
‘Well, stop sulking in the dark and come have a drink.’ Louis laughed, nodding towards the bar. ‘Do you want a bourbon and coke?’  
Harry nodded quickly, surprised that the other boy had remembered, and moved over to perch on one of the barstools. Louis handed him his drink and looked at him thoughtfully.  
‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but whatever it is you’re hiding from… It’s not going to go away if you keep hiding here.’ He told him seriously. Harry hesitated before answering, taken aback by the other boy’s frankness.

‘I know that. A part of me hopes it will though. If I avoid it.’ He admitted, roughly running his hands through his tangle of curls.  
‘Doesn’t everybody?’ Louis murmured quietly. He caught Harry’s eye and he gaze held such intensity that he had to look away, choosing instead to focus on a deep scratch that someone had etched into the surface of the bar.  
‘I heard you singing.’ Harry blurted suddenly. Louis blushed and avoided his gaze, obviously embarrassed. ‘It was beautiful.’  
‘Thank you.’ He muttered awkwardly. ‘Sorry, I don’t normally sing in front of other people. Usually my only audience is my shower or my sisters.’  
Harry slid his hand into his pocket and methodically stroked the keychain it held. Louis noticed the sudden movement but thankfully didn’t make any comment.  
‘How many – how many sisters do you have?’ He asked.  
‘There are four of them, all younger than me.’ Louis told him with a smile. ‘Do you have any brothers or sisters?’  
‘I’m not done asking you questions.’ Harry smirked, carefully dodging the question. ‘Why don’t you sing for other people?’  
‘It’s just – I think singing is an intimate thing, and I – why are you laughing?’ He scowled and crossed his arms across his chest.  
‘Sorry,’ Harry said, desperately trying to keep a straight face but failing miserably. ‘I don’t even know why I’m laughing.’  
Louis looked annoyed and embarrassed and Harry quickly tried to recover.  
‘You’re right, about it being intimate. I used to sing, but not for other people. Just family…’ He trailed off and Louis’s stance softened. ‘I didn’t mean to laugh, honest.’  
‘Do you want another?’ He asked, pointing to the empty glass in front of Harry, who nodded and put his hands flat on the bar as if examining them. He felt foolish for laughing, but the way Louis’s eyes had lit up when he’s spoken about singing, it reminded him of a version of himself, not too long ago. He watched Louis prepare the drink and just as he was about to place it in front of him he hesitated. ‘How old are you?’  
‘Nineteen.’ Harry told him. ‘How old are you?’  
‘Okay, good. It just occurred to me that I never asked you for ID.’ Louis told him. Harry could see that he had offended Louis by laughing when he was sharing something personal and he searched for something to say that would make it better but drew a blank.  
‘If you need to close the bar, I can leave…’ He said finally. Louis looked at him for a second, his face expressionless but then he smiled and shook his head.  
‘No, it’s okay. You can stay while I finish up.’ He permitted, before excusing himself and walking out into the back of the bar.  
Alone again Harry swore under his breath. What was he doing? He should just go home and try and get a good night’s rest. He could just get up and leave. Nervously he wiped his clammy hands on his jeans and then pulled out his keychain, examining it in the dim light. As usual it held the keys to his apartment, his hidden safe and his bike chain but those he ignored, instead examining the crudely made cat’s face that dangled from a blue ribbon. There was a bell around the cat’s neck and it tinkled softly as he moved it between his fingers, feeling the initials etched in the back.  
The sound of his name startled him and he looked up to see Louis waiting patiently for an answer.  
‘Sorry, what did you say?’ He asked, blushing slightly.  
‘I asked if you needed a lift home.’ Louis told him. Harry shook his head and moved off of the stool. He reached for his wallet and counted out some change, placing it on the bar despite Louis’s protests.  
‘I’m fine. I don’t live far from here.’ He explained.  
‘Alright then,’ He said, putting the change in his pocket. When he saw Harry’s questioning looked he smiled sheepishly, ‘I already paid for the drinks when I emptied the till.’  
They both waited for the other to say something but Harry couldn’t find the words. Finally Louis looked expectantly towards the door and Harry realised he was waiting for him to leave.  
‘Thanks’ He muttered simply before walking out onto the street. He almost turned back, although he didn’t know what he wanted to say but when he looked back he saw Louis coming out of the door and locking it behind him.  
‘See you later Harry.’ Louis called to him as he crossed the street. Harry waved in reply and started walking. He’d made it about 5 metres before he realise that he and Louis were walking in the same direction but on opposite sides of the street. They looked at each other and laughed before Louis jogged back over. ‘That’s slightly embarrassing.’  
‘Yeah…’ He answered weakly. He inwardly groaned as Louis continued smiling. He thinks I’m an idiot, he thought sadly to himself, why can’t I ever be normal when I meet new people?  
‘You probably think I’m an idiot. I have a lot of trouble acting “normal” around new people.’ Louis admitted, voicing Harry’s unsaid thought. He looked at the older boy in surprise but quickly covered it with a smile.  
‘I think you’re doing brilliantly.’ He told him earnestly.  
‘Can we just start again?’ Louis pleaded. Harry nodded and his shoulders relaxed a little bit. ‘My name is Louis Tomlinson, I’m twenty two and I work as a bartender in a gay bar.’  
‘I’m Harry Styles, I’m nineteen and I like to walk the streets at night.’ Harry said, the cold pre-dawn air making his voice coarse. He swallowed nervously and played with the keychain again. He didn’t want to admit it but his apartment was a couple of houses back, and they’d walked right past it.  
‘Will I see you tomorrow night, Harry Styles?’ Louis asked hopefully. Harry wanted to say no, his body shook with how badly he wished he could walk away but when he opened his mouth only one thing came out.  
‘Definitely.’


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the front door of Harry’s apartment hides something that is haunting him; something he can’t escape from. He stumbles across a welcome distraction in the form of Louis, a young bartender. Could something that promises to be a strong friendship become something more?

Louis looked up every time someone entered the bar. He frowned in disappointment when he saw a head of ginger hair and not the mop of dark curls he was hoping to see. A part of him hoped that Harry wouldn’t stick to his promise; that he wouldn’t show up. But most of him was counting down the seconds until he could see the other boy.  
It frightened him how much he needed Harry. He’d known him all of two weeks after all, and if he thought about it he didn’t actually know anything about him. He knew his name, his address, that he was studying music composition at night classes at the local university, that he wasn’t afraid to break a few rules… and that he was ‘straight’.  
Louis didn’t waste any more time thinking about what it all meant. It had been two days since Harry had taken him up to that rooftop, and from the second Louis had taken his eyes off of him he had obsessed over what was going to happen and what he was going to do. So he’d made the decision to just not think. His sister Lottie was always telling him that he needed to relax, and just let things happen for once instead of reading too much into it. So that’s what he was going to do.  
He wanted to be with Harry. He couldn’t think of anything he’d ever wanted so badly.  
So that was what he would focus on. The rest would sort itself out.  
The bar was brimming with people, and Louis silently cursed his co-worker Zayn for calling only an hour earlier to say he couldn’t make it in to work. A loud and enthusiastic group of men entered the bar and for the next forty five minutes Louis didn’t have time to think about anything except the bar’s patrons and not tripping over his own feet as he ran back and forth.  
He was serving a middle aged man when someone at the end of the bar started calling his name. He turned, intending to ask them to shut up and be patient but instead he recognised Harry and his face split into a large grin instead.  
‘Oh, is that your boyfriend?’ the man asked, nodding at Harry. Louis blushed and shook his head quickly. ‘That’s too bad. He’s adorable.’  
‘I know…’ Louis replied absentmindedly. The man smiled and he shook himself out of his daze. ‘A Fuzzy Navel, right? Coming right up.’  
He prepared the drink and the customer sauntered off, winking at Harry as he went who laughed and moved along the bar until he was in front of Louis.  
‘Did he just wink at me?’ Harry asked  
‘Yes. He thinks you’re adorable.’ He told him, putting more than was necessary emphasise on the word. Harry laughed, and Louis smiled at the carefree and happy expression on his face. This was the way that Louis liked Harry best.  
‘Are you jealous?’ Harry teased, a smile still playing on his lips. Louis nodded his head and Harry stood up and leant across the bar, kissing him gently on the lips. The men around them cheered and whooped and Louis pulled away embarrassed. ‘Better?’  
‘You have no idea.’ Louis laughed before having to go back to serving customers.  
The rest of the night Louis worked and Harry sat at the end of the bar. He was angry at first, because men kept going up to the curly haired boy and trying to buy him drinks or slip him their number, but Harry didn’t pay them any attention. He only had eyes for Louis.  
When it was finally closing time Louis cleaned and closed up the bar as Harry ran around, singing and dancing along to the stereo. It seemed he had accepted a couple too many free drinks from admirers and in no time he was having trouble stringing together sentences.  
‘Lou, Lou!’ He yelled before stopping suddenly and then bursting out laughing. ‘Lulu! You have a poodle name.’  
Louis rolled his eyes and swung Harry’s arm over his shoulder.  
‘Haz, I’m going to take you home.’ He said slowly, making sure the other boy understood. Harry’s face immediately went pale and he pulled away from Louis.  
‘No, no. I don’t want to go back there. Ever. Her things are everywhere. I can’t escape. It wasn’t my fault Lou, I didn’t mean – It’s not my fault.’ Harry begged. His eyes started to well up, as if he was going to cry and Louis put his arm back around him.  
‘It’s okay. Shh. It’s okay. Why don’t you want to go home?’ He asked patiently. A single tear streamed down Harry’s cheek and without thinking Louis wiped it away with his sleeve.  
‘Please, I don’t want to hurt anymore Lou. I don’t want it to hurt.’ Harry moaned, as he started to sob. Louis had no idea what he was talking about, so he shrugged it off as drunken babble and made the decision to take Harry back to his place. His roommate was still away, so they would have the place to themselves, and Louis could watch over Harry and make sure he didn’t throw up or anything.  
‘You don’t have to go home. Come on, you can come with me.’ He said softly. The car was only a block away and he helped Harry along and then put him in the back seat where he immediately stretched out and fell asleep.  
‘Lou, Louis.’ Someone was saying. He felt something poke his arm and he rolled over and wiped the drool off his lip. Harry was sitting up on the bed and leaning over him, wearing nothing but his jeans from the night before and a confused expression. He noticed Louis eyes linger on his stomach and rolled his eyes. In a rough voice he asked, ‘How’d I get here?’  
‘Last night… you wouldn’t go back to your apartment. You were so drunk. I didn’t know what to do so I brought you back here.’ He explained as he pulled himself up so that he was sitting.  
‘Did we… err?’ Harry asked, blushing slightly. Louis shook his head frantically, and then smiled at the memory of the night before.  
‘Why am I in your bed?’ Harry asked, looking down at the superman sheets suspiciously.  
‘I was going to sleep on the couch, so I put you in here but you wouldn’t let go of my hand. You kept begging me not to leave you so I lay down and waited for you to fall asleep but I must have as well.’ He explained. Silence fell between them and then at the same time they seemed to realise that they were both half naked and Louis made up some excuse and left the room. He grabbed a shirt from the couch and slipped it over his head before leaning against the wall.  
The whole ‘what-did-this-all-mean’ debate ran through his head for the six hundredth time but he angrily pushed it aside. No, not today. It was his day off and Harry didn’t have class.  
He knocked on his bedroom door and Harry grunted in reply, he opened it and found the other boy fully clothed and standing next to the bed. He smiled at Louis from under his fringe, causing his heart to skip a beat.  
‘This is weird isn’t it?’ Harry asked after a second. Louis didn’t know how to reply. Was he talking about waking up together? The kisses? Did Harry want them to stop? ‘Oh, umm, that came out wrong. I meant it’s weird how much I want you right now. I’ve never felt like this… about a guy. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act around you - around other people.’  
‘Just be yourself.’ Louis told him simply.  
‘I’m not really sure who that is anymore. So much has happened… I’m not the Harry I was six months ago.’ He said, more to himself than to Louis.  
‘How cliché… a teen who doesn’t know who he is.’ Louis joked, laughing as he dodged the pillow Harry aimed at his head. He ran over to the bed and threw a pillow at the other boy, but he dodged it with ease.  
‘You missed me.’ Harry taunted playfully. Louis leapt onto the mattress and pulled Harry down with him. They wrestled for a moment but Harry got the upper hand and pushed Louis onto his back. They stared at each other for a second and then Louis whispered,  
‘Does that mean I have to kiss you?’


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the front door of Harry’s apartment hides something that is haunting him; something he can’t escape from. He stumbles across a welcome distraction in the form of Louis, a young bartender. Could something that promises to be a strong friendship become something more?

‘Harry?’ Louis asked as he let himself into his apartment. Harry called from the kitchen where he was preparing the only dish he knew how to; noodles in a cup. Louis smiled when he saw him and dropped his bag onto the floor. ‘Hey, babe.’

‘Hey.’ He replied, grinning happily at the sight of his boyfriend. Boyfriend. The label still felt weird but that’s what they were to each other, wasn’t it?

‘I see you found the noodles alright.’ Louis observed as he came up behind Harry, wrapping his strong arms around his waist.

‘How’s Lottie?’ Harry asked, ignoring Louis’s teasing.

‘She’s fine. Mum is livid though, and the school is talking about suspension.’ Louis mumbled into the back of Harry’s shoulder. Harry left his noodles on the bench and turned around in his arms to face him.

‘Suspension? She didn’t break any laws or anything; it wasn’t even her alcohol, was it?’ he asked in disbelief.

‘No, it was her friend’s. They told her it was just fruit juice. Lottie should have known better though. I mean what fifteen year old carries around a carton of orange juice? It’s not like they’re concerned with their daily Vitamin C intake.’ He said sternly. Harry had to hold back a smile, Louis was so protective of his sisters and he always took them and their schooling very seriously, probably because he hoped to be a high school teacher when he’s saved up enough money to pay for his university.

‘I guess you’re right… But still, suspension is a big thing for something so small.’

‘They want to make an example of her for the rest of the students.’ Lou said, shrugging slightly.

‘I guess that makes sense.’ Harry agreed. It didn’t make sense to him but he didn’t want to have a disagreement with Louis so he just decided to drop it.

‘No it doesn’t, but thank you for trying to make it okay.’ Louis said, pulling him closer and pecking him on the lips. ‘I still don’t understand why you wouldn’t come with me. My sister’s would love to meet you.’

‘I – I just don’t know if I’m ready yet.’ Harry mumbled, before excusing himself and disappearing into the lounge with his noodles.

‘Harry, please. What is your weird thing with meeting families? My sisters don’t bite, I swear. Well, they bite each other sometimes, but not peoples boyfriends.’ He chuckled to himself at his joke but Harry didn’t smile. ‘My family will love you. I just wish you’d give them a chance.’

‘I just think it’s too soon.’ He said quietly.

‘Too soon? We’ve been going out for nearly three months Haz, when will it be soon enough?’ He demanded, raising his voice a little. Harry knew he was right.

It was four months since they’d met, three months since they’d ‘made it official’ and two months since Louis had started talking about Harry meeting his family.

Harry wanted to, but there was still so much he hadn’t told Louis. He’d love to meet the outrageous fifteen year old that Louis bragged about with so much pride in his voice, he was dying to meet the twins with their cute little songs and stuffed toy collection. Jay sounded like the best mum in the world and he couldn’t wait to try her cooking and to sit with the whole Tomlinson family and eat a real home cooked meal instead of measly noodles in a cup. But he couldn’t face them knowing he was lying to Louis with every word he spoke. The guilt weighed so heavily on him some days that he wanted to sink into the mattress and never wake up and face the world.

‘You’re right. But I just can’t.’ Harry said, getting up from the couch and putting on his jacket. He slipped his feet into his shoes and handed Louis his noodles. ‘You can’t make me, and if you keep trying to force me, you’ll lose me.’

He knew it was horrible of him to make Louis feel guilty about it but he felt so horrible about himself already that he just couldn’t handle anymore guilt. He walked out of the apartment and ran down the stairs before Louis completely understood what had happened.

‘Harry!’ He called after him, ‘HAZZA!’

But Harry was gone, already sprinting down the familiar side streets, his feet pounding the pavement.

 

Harry didn’t go to class that evening. He emailed his professor to tell her that he was sick and then curled up on the couch and wallowed in his self-pity. He tried to ignore her presence as it closed in on him from every direction and when it became unbearable he crawled to his room and curled up under the covers on his bed and pretended he was somewhere far away from everything.

Somewhere where he and Louis could live happily and peacefully and in their own private world where they only needed each other.

When he finally woke up the clock told him it was just past three in the morning, normally this would be when he’d meet Louis and they’d go back to his apartment. Harry wanted to crawl under the covers and go back to sleep but after fifteen minutes of trying he was more awake than ever and he resigned and got up.

The lounge was dark and if Harry kept his eyes half closed he could pretend he didn’t see her things. Almost. He made it to the kitchen and then made himself a cup of tea, something that would keep his mind and his hands occupied.

When he was finished he took it back to the lounge and stood at the window that looked over the street, watching as it started to rain, lightly at first and then harder until it was smashing against the glass with heavy thuds. He was about to turn back and go into his room when he noticed a car pull up. Squinting to see it through the rain Harry recognised it and his heart sank a little bit.

The driver got out and marched almost angrily towards the stairs that lead up the apartment and then he slumped and walked halfway back to the car before turning back around again. He did it three or four more times before Harry felt so guilty that he pulled his phone out and called him. Louis quickly ran back to the car and Harry thought he was going to drive off when he picked up.

‘Hello?’

‘Hey… It’s Harry.’

‘Oh, hey, Harry.’ Louis said, obviously trying to sound casual.

‘I was just wondering what you were up to.’ Harry asked. Louis hesitated but then said,

‘I’m just about to head home. What about you?’

‘I’m watching some weirdo walks back and forth in front of my house in the pouring rain.’ He mumbled, hoping that it wouldn’t upset Louis even more.

‘That sounds scary. Do you want me to come over and protect you in case it’s a crazy axe murderer?’ Louis asked quietly. Harry nodded and then remembered that the other boy couldn’t see him.

‘Yes please, be quick because I can see him getting out of the car and coming back.’ He laughed a little and Louis laughed as well.

‘I’ll be there in two.’ He said before hanging up.

Harry turned to face the apartment. To face everything that had happened in the last six months. It was time he told Louis. It was time that he was honest with everyone, honest with himself.


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the front door of Harry’s apartment hides something that is haunting him; something he can’t escape from. He stumbles across a welcome distraction in the form of Louis, a young bartender. Could something that promises to be a strong friendship become something more?

‘Harry?’ Louis asked as he let himself into his apartment. Harry called from the kitchen where he was preparing the only dish he knew how to; noodles in a cup. Louis smiled when he saw him and dropped his bag onto the floor. ‘Hey, babe.’ ‘Hey.’ He replied, grinning happily at the sight of his boyfriend. Boyfriend. The label still felt weird but that’s what they were to each other, wasn’t it? ‘I see you found the noodles alright.’ Louis observed as he came up behind Harry, wrapping his strong arms around his waist. ‘How’s Lottie?’ Harry asked, ignoring Louis’s teasing. ‘She’s fine. Mum is livid though, and the school is talking about suspension.’ Louis mumbled into the back of Harry’s shoulder. Harry left his noodles on the bench and turned around in his arms to face him. ‘Suspension? She didn’t break any laws or anything; it wasn’t even her alcohol, was it?’ he asked in disbelief. ‘No, it was her friend’s. They told her it was just fruit juice. Lottie should have known better though. I mean what fifteen year old carries around a carton of orange juice? It’s not like they’re concerned with their daily Vitamin C intake.’ He said sternly. Harry had to hold back a smile, Louis was so protective of his sisters and he always took them and their schooling very seriously, probably because he hoped to be a high school teacher when he’s saved up enough money to pay for his university. ‘I guess you’re right… But still, suspension is a big thing for something so small.’ ‘They want to make an example of her for the rest of the students.’ Lou said, shrugging slightly. ‘I guess that makes sense.’ Harry agreed. It didn’t make sense to him but he didn’t want to have a disagreement with Louis so he just decided to drop it. ‘No it doesn’t, but thank you for trying to make it okay.’ Louis said, pulling him closer and pecking him on the lips. ‘I still don’t understand why you wouldn’t come with me. My sister’s would love to meet you.’ ‘I – I just don’t know if I’m ready yet.’ Harry mumbled, before excusing himself and disappearing into the lounge with his noodles. ‘Harry, please. What is your weird thing with meeting families? My sisters don’t bite, I swear. Well, they bite each other sometimes, but not peoples boyfriends.’ He chuckled to himself at his joke but Harry didn’t smile. ‘My family will love you. I just wish you’d give them a chance.’ ‘I just think it’s too soon.’ He said quietly. ‘Too soon? We’ve been going out for nearly three months Haz, when will it be soon enough?’ He demanded, raising his voice a little. Harry knew he was right. It was four months since they’d met, three months since they’d ‘made it official’ and two months since Louis had started talking about Harry meeting his family. Harry wanted to, but there was still so much he hadn’t told Louis. He’d love to meet the outrageous fifteen year old that Louis bragged about with so much pride in his voice, he was dying to meet the twins with their cute little songs and stuffed toy collection. Jay sounded like the best mum in the world and he couldn’t wait to try her cooking and to sit with the whole Tomlinson family and eat a real home cooked meal instead of measly noodles in a cup. But he couldn’t face them knowing he was lying to Louis with every word he spoke. The guilt weighed so heavily on him some days that he wanted to sink into the mattress and never wake up and face the world. ‘You’re right. But I just can’t.’ Harry said, getting up from the couch and putting on his jacket. He slipped his feet into his shoes and handed Louis his noodles. ‘You can’t make me, and if you keep trying to force me, you’ll lose me.’ He knew it was horrible of him to make Louis feel guilty about it but he felt so horrible about himself already that he just couldn’t handle anymore guilt. He walked out of the apartment and ran down the stairs before Louis completely understood what had happened. ‘Harry!’ He called after him, ‘HAZZA!’ But Harry was gone, already sprinting down the familiar side streets, his feet pounding the pavement. Harry didn’t go to class that evening. He emailed his professor to tell her that he was sick and then curled up on the couch and wallowed in his self-pity. He tried to ignore her presence as it closed in on him from every direction and when it became unbearable he crawled to his room and curled up under the covers on his bed and pretended he was somewhere far away from everything. Somewhere where he and Louis could live happily and peacefully and in their own private world where they only needed each other. When he finally woke up the clock told him it was just past three in the morning, normally this would be when he’d meet Louis and they’d go back to his apartment. Harry wanted to crawl under the covers and go back to sleep but after fifteen minutes of trying he was more awake than ever and he resigned and got up. The lounge was dark and if Harry kept his eyes half closed he could pretend he didn’t see her things. Almost. He made it to the kitchen and then made himself a cup of tea, something that would keep his mind and his hands occupied. When he was finished he took it back to the lounge and stood at the window that looked over the street, watching as it started to rain, lightly at first and then harder until it was smashing against the glass with heavy thuds. He was about to turn back and go into his room when he noticed a car pull up. Squinting to see it through the rain Harry recognised it and his heart sank a little bit. The driver got out and marched almost angrily towards the stairs that lead up the apartment and then he slumped and walked halfway back to the car before turning back around again. He did it three or four more times before Harry felt so guilty that he pulled his phone out and called him. Louis quickly ran back to the car and Harry thought he was going to drive off when he picked up. ‘Hello?’ ‘Hey… It’s Harry.’ ‘Oh, hey, Harry.’ Louis said, obviously trying to sound casual. ‘I was just wondering what you were up to.’ Harry asked. Louis hesitated but then said, ‘I’m just about to head home. What about you?’ ‘I’m watching some weirdo walks back and forth in front of my house in the pouring rain.’ He mumbled, hoping that it wouldn’t upset Louis even more. ‘That sounds scary. Do you want me to come over and protect you in case it’s a crazy axe murderer?’ Louis asked quietly. Harry nodded and then remembered that the other boy couldn’t see him. ‘Yes please, be quick because I can see him getting out of the car and coming back.’ He laughed a little and Louis laughed as well. ‘I’ll be there in two.’ He said before hanging up. Harry turned to face the apartment. To face everything that had happened in the last six months. It was time he told Louis. It was time that he was honest with everyone, honest with himself.


	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the front door of Harry’s apartment hides something that is haunting him; something he can’t escape from. He stumbles across a welcome distraction in the form of Louis, a young bartender. Could something that promises to be a strong friendship become something more?

‘I didn’t realise you liked cat’s so much.’ were the first words Louis said when he walked inside the semi-dark apartment.

‘I don’t. I can’t stand the things. They always attack my hair.’ Harry explained; his voice barely above a mumble. A fat droplet of water dripped from Louis’s fringe and made its way down his nose and Harry yearned to reach over and wipe it away. He almost did it anyway, knowing what Louis would think of him after he explained himself but he stopped. It wouldn’t be fair to Louis.

‘That explains all the cats then…’ Louis noted sarcastically. He was right. The apartment was overrun with cat figurines, pictures and posters.

‘There’s a lot I haven’t told you. And I think it’s important that I do before – I think that you need to know who I am.’ Harry said, avoiding Louis’s gaze until the last word. The older boy looked confused. He’d come to apologise, to make it up to Harry for upsetting him. He wasn’t entirely sure when the tables had turned.

‘I know that there’s a lot you haven’t told me. I know hardly anything about you Harry. It’s been killing me, but I’m not going to force you to tell me stuff. You will when you’re ready, and I’m willing to wait around until then.’ Louis said, taking a step closer to Harry and trying to take him in his arms but the other boy stepped out of reach.

‘No I need you to listen to what I have to say, and if you touch me I’ll fall apart. Please just sit down and listen.’ He pleaded. His bright green eyes wide and desperate and although Louis had never thought of the age gap between them, in that moment Harry had never looked more like a lost and confused child.

‘Okay.’ He agreed, still confused and unsure of it all.

 

‘I used to party a lot.’ He started; he figured it would be best to just be honest from the beginning. He was ashamed of who he was and who he used to be and Louis needed to understand that if he was going to be a part of Harry’s life. ‘I’d go out and get drunk and I’d end up in really, really bad situations. I was stupid and I thought I was invincible, nothing could touch me.’

He stopped talking for a moment and anxiously he ran his hands through his hair, tugging at the ends.

‘One night it was raining really badly, even worse than it is tonight. I woke up on the side of a highway in only my jeans.’ Again he stopped, this time to take a deep breath. He could feel his hands shaking and he was grateful that Louis was such a patient person. He’d never told anyone the whole story before and he was surprised at how much it hurt to relive that night.

‘I couldn’t remember how’d I’d gotten there and I couldn’t find my wallet or my phone so I was freaking out. I was still pretty drunk and I didn’t know what was going on. Finally a car stopped next to me and they offered me a lift. I asked to use their phone to call someone and they gave it to me, but the longer I stood with them the dodgier the whole situation felt. I don’t know whether it was the alcohol or just my nerves, but I didn’t feel safe so I ran for it. I didn’t realise I still had their phone until I’d been running along the highway in the rain for about half an hour.’

Louis reached for Harry’s arm, as if intending to comfort him but then he seemed to remember that he had asked him not to so he pulled it back, nodding for Harry to continue with his story.

‘I called the only number I could remember and Gigi came and picked me up. She was always looking after me. I was older than her, I was supposed to look out for her, but she was always rescuing me.’ A tear rolled down his cheek and he dashed it away angrily.

‘We were living together then, my mum thought it would be a good idea because she thought Gigi would look after me and be a good influence, but I didn’t change. I thought they were all judging me or something.’

‘It took ages for her to get there and when she did all I did was yell at her. Why hadn’t she gotten there earlier? All I could think of was that I was cold and miserable and she was selfish to have made me wait. I called her all sorts of names. I was so, so horrible.’ He whispered, remembering the anger he’d felt and the things he’d said. ‘I’ve never been like that. I’ve never been that angry or lost and I just snapped, I crossed some invisible line and all hell was unleashed.’

The tears were flowing freely now, and as Louis listened he started crying too. His whole body was aching with the effort it took not to hold Harry close and smooth his hair off of his face.

‘And Gigi, my sweet Gigi’ He laughed through his tears and wiped them away with his sleeve, ‘She hated it when we called her that. She used to sulk and storm out of the room. But through all my abuse, she just sat there and took it. She didn’t blink at the cruel names I called her. And when I ran out of steam and just collapsed in the front seat she grasped my hand in hers and she told me she loved me.’

Harry was shaking, and he looked at his hand, the same way he had that night when she’d held it, with a mixture of shock, regret and longing.

‘I said something about being unlovable and she turned to look at me with such despair – I just – she just looked at me, and she – she didn’t see the,’ His voice cracked and his throat burnt with the built up sobs he was holding back. ‘She didn’t see the other car when we passed through the T-junction.’

Louis’s sharp intake of breath caused Harry to look up at the other boy. He could see the despair in his eyes, mingled in with the confusion and pity.

‘I killed – I killed her. She didn’t see the headlights, because she was trying to save me from myself. I can’t – I just can’t bear any of it.’ Harry openly sobbed, finally unable to hold back the tears.

It had been six months since she’d died, and in all that time he hadn’t cried once. Not at the funeral, not when his mother had called him an idiot. Not when she told him to stop calling her and visiting because she couldn’t stand to look at his face.

‘It’s not your fault Haz, you didn’t mean for any of that to happen. You can’t blame yourself for your girlfriend’s death.’ Louis said, his voice echoing the pain that Harry was feeling.

‘No, Gigi wasn’t my girlfriend, she is– she was my little sister.’ He sobbed, ‘when I was little I couldn’t say Gemma so I called her Gigi. She only ever – She always looked out for me, and I killed her. I killed my baby sister.’

‘Stop saying that! You didn’t kill anyone – for god’s sake, can I please touch you now? This is killing me!’ He reached out but stopped himself at the last moment, waiting for his boyfriend’s permission.

‘Why would you want to? I’m a murderer – a monster.’ Harry said turning his face away. Suddenly Louis was surrounding him, his arms were around his shoulders and his waist and his lips were peppering his cheek and jaw with soft kisses. They sat in silence for what felt like hours and finally Harry mumbled, ‘Lou, you don’t understand. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t deserve to have you hold me, to have you make me feel like this.’

Louis snorted in disbelief, keeping his face buried in Harry’s hair and his arms entangled around him.

‘As angry as I was that night, I was right about one thing. I’m unlovable. I killed the one person that had always loved me despite everything and for that I don’t deserve to be happy.’ He whispered. He felt Louis suck in a breath and hold it for a minute.

‘Shut up. If you say you killed her one more time… What happened to Gemma wasn’t your fault. It was a dark night, it was pouring with rain so the roads would have been slippery and even if she had seen that other car she probably wouldn’t have been able to stop in time. She cared about you enough to go and get you, and even after everything you did and said, she still told you she loved you.’ Louis spoke quickly, putting his lips near Harry’s ear. ‘Living like this, with the apartment like she left it, isn’t healthy. I know it hurts but your home is supposed to make you feel safe and happy. I don’t think you feel either of those things at the moment.’

‘What am I supposed to do then? Throw all her things away? Box them up and put them in storage?’

‘Yes. It’s part of moving on. You keep the precious things, but the rest can go. You don’t need a thousand cat figurines, especially when you don’t even like cats.’

‘I don’t want to be here Louis. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I don’t want to hate myself every second of the day.’ He moaned, burying himself further in Louis’s embrace.

‘You can stay with me until you figure out what to do. My roommate is really nice, and he won’t mind. You don’t have to be alone anymore Harry.’ He promised, keeping his voice low. He paused and then added ‘You have someone who loves you again.’

‘Who?’ Harry asked, not grasping what he was saying. Louis smirked and then pressed his lips to Harry’s. He pulled away slightly and looked him in the eyes.

‘Me, you idiot. I love you.’ He laughed. Harry’s eyes sparkled with something new, hope? But then he pulled away and shook his head.

‘I don’t deserve it.’ He told Louis resolutely.

‘How does that have anything to do with it? Good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. Every now and then, something good happens to good people.’ Louis told him wisely. ‘You’re a good person Harry, and you have no idea how loved you really are.’

‘I love you.’ Harry returned, realising that the weight he constantly felt pressing on his shoulders had lifted slightly in only a way that Louis could have made happen.


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the front door of Harry’s apartment hides something that is haunting him; something he can’t escape from. He stumbles across a welcome distraction in the form of Louis, a young bartender. Could something that promises to be a strong friendship become something more?

‘This is the best holiday sweater ever!’ Harry exclaimed after he unwrapped the knitted bundle of red and green. He jumped up and hugged Jay, who fondly hugged him back.

‘Phoebe and Daisy picked it out actually’ she admitted, although she was laughing as Harry squeezed her tighter.

‘It’s beautiful!’ He pulled it over his head and Daisy giggled as his curls popped out of the neck hole.

Louis viewed the scene before him, marvelling at how happy he was. It had been a hard year for the two of them, but they’d made it out the other side and they were now living in their own apartment. Harry had just finished his second year of university and Louis had saved up enough to start the first year of a teaching degree in January.

There were still the days when it was all really hard and they struggled to make it through, but they always came out on top. It was one of those moments now, when he was with the man he loved and surrounded by his family on Christmas Eve. It was nothing liked he’d dreamed about growing up, but it was better in so many ways. Harry met his eyes and smiled and Louis knew in that instant that he felt the same.

‘Your turn, Lou!’ Phoebe yelled excitedly, handing Louis a wrapped box. He laughed and glanced at his watch, trying to remain casual but growing more worried with every hour that passed.

‘It’s about time.’ He exclaimed with a laugh.

 

‘Okay, everybody into the dining room, dinner is served.’ Lottie called from the kitchen. She had declared a week earlier that she was going to help her mum this year by cooking the entire Christmas dinner, and they were all really proud (but mostly cautious) to see what she’d made.

‘Can we just wait a couple more minutes before we start?’ Louis asked, hovering in the doorway. They all looked at him expectantly and then the doorbell rang and he jumped up and down happily. ‘Harry, harry. Quick, come with me.’

‘What’s going on?’ He asked, following him cautiously. They went to the front door and Louis threw it open.

Bundled up against the cold was Anne styles. She smiled unsurely at the sight before her and then Harry squealed and bounced towards her in a whirl of curls and Christmas colours. He threw his arms around her which caused them both to stumble back a couple of steps into the snow.

‘Mum! You said you couldn’t come.’ He said pulling her inside gently. She smiled and looked at Louis who pulled her into a hug.

‘I wasn’t going to miss out on Christmas with my boys! Lou managed to get me a seat on one of the late flights after all, so here I am! Are you mad?’ She asked hesitantly

‘Of course not! I’m just so happy you’re here.’ He hugged her again, pulling Louis into a group hug and kissing him on the cheek. ‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome babe.’ He laughed back, pulling away. ‘Dinner’s ready, so come on. Lottie will murder us all in her sleep if we let it go cold.’

Harry hooked his arm through his mother’s and they walked further into the house but Louis stayed back and watched them.

It had taken a lot of guts for Harry to reach out to Anne and in the months since then they had been trying to rebuild their relationship. It took a lot of effort and Harry was still in regular counselling, but for the first time in a long time he was happy.

So was Louis. He followed Harry and Anne, and he knew that whatever the world threw at them, he and Harry would be okay, because they had each other and that was stronger than anything.


End file.
